Every service is different: different levels of quality, different competencies, different histories and reliability, different abilities. Of course you will leave yourself enough lead time to get this all done, but you must call to decide initially if you want to interview the provider, then conduct a face to face interview (best) or if you are traveling to a destination wedding venue, conduct the interview by phone. Skype and similar phone services allow you to do this easily by setting up the appointment by email and then keeping the appointment by phone or video phone call. I have booked weddings from Norway and Scotland to Illinois and Wisconsin this way because Tampa is a Gulf of Mexico destination wedding venue and a port from which cruises depart. The difference between providers is what will help you decide. You can learn a lot by hearing someone speak and looking them in the eyes. Trust your gut.

Officiant pricing is often an after-thought compared to the other wedding services. Really, many couples just think about being married and not who will marry them. For others, their pastor will officiate, of course. For couples not attached to a church or couples coming to a venue outside their immediate area, the officiant is “merely” the person who will say some words and sign their license to officially say the couple is married under the law. Religious officiants may require that they perform a religious ceremony, so couples who want no mention of god or only minor religious reference need to discover this and stay clear. A Justice of the Peace will marry you outside the court in a civil ceremony, and this will do the job. In Florida and two other states, a notary public can officiate weddings, and many officiate full-time or as a part-time hobby.

If the words said at your wedding ceremony will have meaning to you beyond “just getting married” (the Commitment you say “I do” to, the Vows you make to each other, the Rings you exchange along with your promises, and the tone with which this is all done), then I suggest you check around for officiant pricing and what you will get for that, and carefully check your chosen officiant’s references and testimonials before committing to an officiant. An officiant can make or break your ceremony, and your ceremony is the serious beginning to a lifetime celebration.

With your wedding, you leave it to a planner to make sure the team that works for you—photographers, videographers, florists, decorators, chair renters, caterers, day-of coordinators, etc.—works together efficiently, effectively, and nicely. If you do not hire a planner, which many brides do not, you hand-off those duties to your day-of coordinator after you do all the planning, arranging and contracting yourself. Your chosen coordinator may be a dear friend or relative, and they may be limited knowing the intricacies of running a great, important event. If this sounds like your situation, perhaps you should consider hiring a team of professionals who you know work together well and can make your wedding infinitely more successful than throwing together various people who may or may not have worked together before or who may not even like each other.

Only one person other than a professional wedding planner knows more about local wedding vendors and which ones work well with certain other vendors:  your officiant. Unfortunately, officiants are often the last professional you select, so their input at this point is almost worthless. You are stuck with the team you put together piecemeal. Yes, there is the venue you choose, which may have favorite vendors or come up short suggesting them, but so many weddings take place outside of church venues, wedding chapels and fixed event structures that this is probably not an issue for you if you are getting married outside on a beach, in a park, or at your favorite restaurant or country club that does too few weddings to credibly answer your questions.

Suggestions for your hunting down the best vendors:

• First, find vendors who relate to someone you might trust. We have “vendors we trust” on our website and limit them to several criteria. We trust them. Also, on Wedding Wire we are careful to link to only those vendors we like to do business with and who demonstrate taking care of the client the way we do. There must be mutual respect.
• Pick personality before skill. Will s/he fit in with your style, ideas, theme, etc. and work well with others? Trust your gut. With weddings, most vendors do not need a lengthy contract that says more what won’t happen than what will. Planners need a clear contract. Photographers should have changed theirs when photography changed, but some have not. You should own your pictures with minimal restrictions. Avoid entangling, restrictive agreements.
• If you find candidates you like, next choose vendors with proven talent. What evidence do they provide of being able to do what you want really well? Verifiable testimonials, photographs, videos, samples, etc.?
• Is s/he upbeat, bossy, surly, pleasant? If s/he must command attention, does s/he lead by commanding, barking orders, suggesting, persuading, etc.? Bossy leadership can upset you, your wedding party and your guests. Mom always said you can be as firm as you like but there is no excuse not to be polite.
• Is s/he flexible, able to handle the unexpected and stay energized but calm under fire, such as with sudden bad weather, upset children, irate parents, overly needy guests? Do you have a bad weather plan, and does everyone know it and who will make the call?
• What does s/he cost? Is their cost, as part of a package, more or less than their standard fee? Is there an unfair markup?

The photographers and videographers we work with and include in the bundles we call “packages” all work that way within our agreed package price, which will always cost less than if you book that vendor on your own. Some brides don’t believe this and try to bypass booking a package, only to find that they face a substantially greater cost trying to buy services a la carte.

Be careful how you seek, find and contract your vendors. There is more to it than vendors by themselves; they must work well together as a team.

Your day, your way!

You’ve seen mothers, aunts, sisters, bridesmaids, friends and the odd male ruin the moment or taint forever with arguments and insults the wedding visions of otherwise happy, sometimes emotionally fragile brides. They openly dis the bride, her choices, her vision, and thus ruin an otherwise joyful moment for the very queen of this event.

Everyone knows that the wedding is 95% the bride’s day, including all the preparations for it up to the moment she rides off into the sunset with her loving husband. Why some self-absorbed, mean spirited people can’t be kind, rather than narcissistic and intensely insensitive, is beyond me.

Yes, sometimes parents must control the spending of a carefree daughter. Other parents offer daughters thousands of dollars is she elopes or opts for a smaller, less expensive wedding, but even then, they try to please the bride. In general, however, weddings, funerals and will readings are highly charged and not without selfish detractors.

Advice to the Bride:  before you go into an event such as shopping for your wedding gown or for your bridesmaid’s dresses, purchasing flowers, catering or interviewing a suitable officiant, think it through. Invite along people who know what you like, not what they think you should choose. Invite supportive, understanding friends. If necessary, tell them the rules before you get in the car. If they do not agree, drive away without them. A person who cannot be kind has no place on your support team helping to make your dream come true.

Regarding how people might react to this advice, Mom always said, “Hope for the better. Expect the worst.” Better yet, be careful who you invite to help and how you tell them their role on your team.

Your day, your way!

You can find several versions of wedding ceremony programs on the Internet. You can search all you want, but I suggest starting at Microsoft Word™ templates that you can type your information into and modify how you want. If you have Word 2010, you might go here to begin:  Wedding Templates http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/CT010117264.aspx. You will also find other free forms you can modify in Word or many of the other word processors you might use.

Originally, wedding programs were used to explain the order and rituals of the ceremony. Nowadays they reflect your individual tastes and creativity. Continue the theme of your wedding with a creative program that reflects your invitations and other niceties.

Who Should Receive Your Wedding Program?

Place your wedding programs in decorative baskets in the entrance to the ceremony, or on the chairs or pews. Ushers can hand out the programs or involve family children to make sure all teenagers and adults receive one.

The Elements of a Great Wedding Program

Generally, a wedding program has four parts:

1. Introduction:  names of the bride and groom, the day and date of the ceremony, time, location, city and state
2. Ceremony Order:  segments such as the prelude, processional, welcome, seating, remembrances, commitment, vows, readings, rings, pronouncement and recessional. Listing the musical pieces, selected lyrics, wording of prayers and the performers is a very nice touch, especially for the performers.
3. Names of People in the Wedding Party:  list everyone by full name and title (Mr., Mrs., Ms, etc.)
4. Closure (or your special personal note)

Example

Prelude ……………………..       “You Came Along”
Solo …………………………….   “Love is in the Air”
Lighting of the Candles
Seating of the Mothers
Processional ……………….      “Canon in D”
Welcome or Invocation
Wedding Message ………       Officiant
Solo ……………………………..  “On Bended Knee”
Commitment
Vows
Personal Vows
Exchange of Rings
Lighting the Unity Candle
Pronouncement of Marriage
Solo …………………………….   “Forever More”
Presentation of the Bride and Groom
Recessional ……………….       “Ode to Joy”
Closure
Announcements:  e.g., The wedding party will join their guests for refreshments in the Oak Room after their photo session.

The Wedding Party

- Parents of the Bride
- Parents of the Groom
- Grandparents of the Bride
- Grandmothers of the Groom
- Maid of Honor
- Matron of Honor
- Bridesmaids
- Junior Bridesmaid
- Honorary Bridesmaid
- Flower Girl
- Best Men
- Groomsmen
- Ring Bearer
- Officiant
- Pianist
- Soloist

Your day, your way!

A wedding day is 95% the bride’s day and 5% the groom’s day. I used to say the split was 90% – 10%, but several grooms corrected me on this. It’s about feelings, so I will go with the consensus, which by the way, includes the opinions of many brides. I always have these kinds of discussions out in the open with both bride and groom participating. Yes, roles can be reversed, with brides playing the “wish we could elope” role while the groom insists on a grand wedding event, but this is the exception rather than the rule.

In the interview with the couple, when the time seems right, I say to the groom, “Remember, this is going to be 95% her day and 5% yours. Your 5% means showing up on time, sober, and saying what you are supposed to say, when you are supposed to say it.” Savvy grooms say, “I understand” while their brides nod their heads in agreement and smile that all-knowing smile when they know that one of their trump cards was just played successfully for them. Most couples laugh and some even comment about a parent or friend who implied something similar, or merely smile.   

For Groomsmen – A handful of rules are all the groomsmen need to agree on for their part in making the ceremony orderly, neat and photogenic. Something can always come up in a ceremony anyway, e.g., a ring bearer dropping the rings, a child amusingly distracted wandering down the aisle, a guest oddly adding to the spectacle. My favorite was one flower girl dropping petals and the other picking them up. There is no end to the number of things we humans can do to make a wedding interesting and memorable. Nevertheless, four “don’ts” make up the ceremonial rules for the groomsmen: No chewing gum; no sun glasses; no hands in pockets; no cell phones (turn off, not set to vibrate). Even at a beach wedding in the hot bright sun, sunglasses spoil photographs, although in some wedding parties, when all the groomsmen sport the same ‘cool’ sunglasses, they can look very cool, hip and happy. That’s a good thing.

I often ask the bride and groom if anyone in the wedding party does not handle alcohol well. All I’m asking for is 16-18 minutes of sober fun before the party begins because a wedding ceremony is the serious beginning to a lifelong celebration of love. When I sense the wedding is more of a party from the get-go, I ask that they drink responsibly in the hour before the wedding. Some groomsmen bring beers or a flask to share in the camaraderie in the men’s dressing room, which is fine. Drunks, however, always spoil wedding ceremonies.

For the Groom – One additional suggestion for the groom, which I usually make while we are standing in front of the guests waiting for the bride to walk down the aisle for her grand entrance, is to “tell your bride how beautiful she is today, right now, in front of everyone. If you do, she’ll remember it forever. If you don’t, she’ll remember it forever too.”

Enough rules. Go and have fun. Live like there’s no tomorrow; love like you’ll never be hurt; and dance like there’s nobody watching. – Chinese Wisdom

Your day, your way!

Commonly, wedding ceremony add-ons happen between the exchanging of rings and the pronouncement. The Irish (or Celtic) Bell of Truce is a different, uncommon and interesting “add-on” that can enhance a wedding ceremony, especially when the couple has a history of cutting up or habitually arguing. In the case of the Bell of Truce, bride and groom participate, making it real fun and not just funny. Ringing the Bell of Truce as a part of the wedding ceremony can bring laughter and joy at that part of the ceremony where a bit of light humor can really work well.

A bell is blessed, and then presented to the bride and groom by the officiant. At this point, there are variations to what may happen next. The couple can then be asked to give the bell a good hardy ring, while thinking lovely thoughts of each other and, most importantly, of their future together as husband and wife. The bell is then kept at home as a reminder of the couple’s wedding day. When arguments arise, the bell is called into use. One of the quarreling couple should ring the bell and call for a truce. The tinkling sound will remind the couple of their wedding vows and conjure up the happiest memories from their wedding day. A clang is often better than a tinkle.

When I married one of my best friends, a U.S. Marine Colonel of Irish heritage, I gave them a brass ship’s bell for their Bell of Truce and told the bride she would need to ring it with all the fury she could muster if she was to get his attention. I rang it loudly in the wedding, then gave it to the bride to ring, and then the groom. The noise alone could cut through fog (one of the bell’s original purposes), and certainly gets attention. Everyone laughed knowingly.

Another bride and groom (Italian and Irish heritage) had a dainty bell. I instructed the bride to ring it with two hands, saying, “The Bell of Truce is a Celtic custom—a medium of compromise. Keep this bell at home as a reminder of your wedding day. Should a lover’s quarrel ever rise to the heights that only the Italians and Irish can usually achieve, I encourage either of you to get to the bell if you can, as fast as you can, and ring it with all the fury of a Valkyrie on a mission. The sound of this bell will serve to remind you both of your vows and to help you relive your happiest memories as you call a truce. As a sign of unity and serenity, and to get used to the sound, I ask you each to ring your wedding bell of truce now. (The bride rang it first, and shyly.) No, no. Use two hands and ring it with fury!” The guests who knew her thought this a funny, happy thing for her to do, for the bride was normally shy. She exerted herself and rang it loudly. She took to it well and rang that bell gleefully several times during the reception, much to her guests’ joy.

Smile when you think of Your day, your way!

Bad Things Can Happen

In some families, parents and grandparents simply want to influence and control everything. Arguments generally begin over customs and traditions, and these are often really differences in religious values. No religion is more at fault than another; it is the generational differences that cause wills to clash. The bride and groom often have discussed religion and arrived at their own decision, which is different than their parents and grandparents. There arguments rarely get solved. If the older generations do not decide to keep their opinions to themselves after they have made their wishes clear to the bride and groom, it is often enough to sour the entire event.

Facing insurmountable arguments about a church wedding or a beach wedding, with all the attendant bickering that would not end, the bride told her mother and grandmother to have their own wedding and eloped with the groom. Their decision and actions surprised few, if any, of their friends, who gave them lots of love and support. In discussing this with the bride and groom, I helped them discover that this was all good, and was the first time the bride ever stood up for what she wanted. Mom had declared, “I will never forgive you.” Grandma told the mom to “Get over it. She made the right decision. I was hoping all along that she’d stand up for what she wanted,” which revealed where resolution might be made.

At one of my very first weddings, the bride was already exercising her will in many areas. Mom brought a table, cloth, three candles and a lighter, placing them next to me seconds before the ceremony was to begin. The bride knew nothing of this, and when she saw the setup, threw a hissy fit right then and there. When the bride composed herself and stood before me with her groom, she whispered to me, “Just ignore the candles and my mother.” I did. I had to leave right away, so I do not know the final outcome, but by the way the groom reacted, I’d guess the bride won.

The Best Laid Plans…

Rain on a wedding day is both a blessing and a curse. A good beach wedding will have a rain plan. If you plan ahead, you can reserve a pavilion where everyone can meet for the ceremony. Sometimes, a beach wedding just goes on, especially here in Tampa Bay when the rain is warm. Lightening, however, demands getting off the beach immediately. A new beach hotel (5 stars) and one of the first five weddings there, called for some finesse. Everyone was seated on the beach and the processional was about to start. I was at the arch when the first clap of thunder followed a spider web lightening display that left the out of town guests awestruck. I instructed the guests how to smoothly get off the beach without trampling the old people, and they were all just under cover when the clouds opened. 45 minutes later, a ballroom was ready and everyone walked in, glad to be moving forward. The ceremony was good, yet there remained a palpable tension. As I got to the point where I would normally pronounce the couple husband and wife, I closed my book and said, “You endured a lot today, and you look very anxious. In fact, looking at you right now, I am reminded of a very famous line from the movie When Harry Met Sally.” A hush fell over the audience, then one middle-aged woman laughed a laugh everyone knew was from her naughty thought. I lowered my glasses on the bridge of my nose and said, “Probably not the line you’re thinking of.” More laughter. “I’m thinking of that famous line, ‘When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.’ So, without further delay, I pronounce you husband and wife.” Cheers and laughter filled the room, and everyone was back on track again.

Some believe rain on a wedding day represents the bride’s old boyfriends crying after her. I like to think that works both ways. In many cultures, marriage is referred to as tying the knot, and the Hindus point out that a wet knot is harder to untie. Regardless of your own cultural superstitions, it’s too late now to Scotch Guard.

Make it Your day, your way! and be prepared for anything. Ask your officiant how s/he can help you deal with known and unknown contingencies. You’ll be glad you did.

Serious parts of a wedding lend themselves less handily to non-traditional approaches, but there are still opportunities to innovate in the Welcome, Exchange, Commitment, Standard Vows, Personal Vows, Rings, Personal Choice Ceremony, Pronouncement, and the Kiss. I left out named religious parts because the various sects prescribe them and they’re generally not subject to change. In the Welcome, I like to mention loved ones who cannot be with us today for any reason, so they are remembered and, if living, may read a copy of the ceremony to know they were with the bride and groom in spirit. In The Exchange, where the officiant asks the question Who presents bride to be married to groom and the groom traditionally takes the bride’s father’s place, anyone can do the honors—mother and father, mother alone, grandparent, children, even a best friend. This person presents the bride for marriage; modern brides generally do not care to be given away. You can ask the officiant to skip the question altogether and the bride’s escort just joins the couple’s hands and sits down. Brides also can walk down the aisle alone.

The Commitment is when the officiant asks the bride and groom each the same question, Do you…? and the response is I do. Skip this to avoid redundancy with the vows and go straight to the vows. Add your own personal thoughts in a clever way, as one couple did when he noted your good housekeeping and my good cooking and she noted your good cooking and my good housekeeping. A delightful chuckle rippled through the audience, some knowing the truth of it and others reacting pleasantly to the unique commitment.

Do you wish to skip the standard repeat after me vows? Create your own standard and have your officiant lead you each through them, or simply discard standard vows and go straight to your own personal vows. Nothing dictates what you must say. I advise you, however, to hear the counsel of your officiant as s/he notes that vows are the most serious part of the ceremony, and whatever you vow, it should be serious, permanent and from the depth of your hearts. You may come back many times after your wedding to review the vows you solemnly pledge. Personal Vows, if said after you speak Standard Vows, present an empty canvas upon which you can colorfully express the full range of emotions your love for one another evokes. You have plenty of room to paint your love in rich hues, underline the seriousness with which you hold your marriage, and unveil something you find humorous about your partner, if only the s/he can always make you smile. Personally, I would never fool with the ring ceremony except to note the beauty in meaning and the pleasing aesthetics of the rings, which the officiant should be speaking in the words s/he writes for you.

Less serious aspects of a wedding offer the greatest opportunities to innovate:  Personal Choice Ceremony, Pronouncement, and the Kiss. The Personal Choice Ceremony (Unity Candles, Unity Sand, Wishing Stones, Celtic Bell of Truce, readings by family or friends, etc.) can range from freestyle and carefree to elaborate and acted out carefully with friends. A pirate theme may invoke pirate language and customs (Avast, me hearties! I’ll cut the tongue from the lips of any who objects to this here conjugation. Arrrggghhhhh!) Use a cell phone to call a friend and to depict thoughtful hesitation for the bride pressed to answer Do you take this man…? Plant a tree of life instead of pouring sand as the basis of your marriage. Let your imagination run wild, but not amok. And last, the Kiss. You may kiss the bride is so traditional compared to your officiant saying, Please begin your celebration with a memorable kiss. I’ve ended so many weddings with this invitation that it has become a tradition with me. But it is not unchangeable. Use your own best judgment and enlist your officiant’s help. Make it

Your day, your way!

Only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents—the lowest figure in the Western world. About 44% of custodial mothers and 56% of custodial fathers are either separated or divorced. In 2002, the latest year for accurate numbers, 7.8 million Americans paid $40 billion in child and/or spousal support. 84% were males. The new census may yield better numbers, but how fast can these sad statistics change?

So why, on a wedding officiant site, would I announce these sobering data? Because for you it does not need to be this way. You have choices to make, and if you make the right ones, you can maximize your love and your marriage. You can defy the statistics.

Love is the child of freedom, never that of domination. (Erich Fromm) Love, and be patient with yourself to let love in. If you find yourself thinking about your love and what you are getting out of it, think again. Consider what love you are giving to better understand what you are getting. The love you take is equal to the love you make. (Beatles)

Love is wanting what you have, not having what you want. (Jaci in Alaska — an on-line love story)

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. (Roy Croft)

Love is not a matter of counting the years; it’s making the years count. (Wolfman Jack Smith)

Love creates an “us” without destroying a “me”. (Unknown)

Marriage is a partnership and must be nurtured. The most successful partnerships are those that average out to be a 50:50 relationship. Here’s how:  A couple who would be partners understands that they each, as individuals, brings unique skills to the marriage. No decisions can be effective if two partners can’t agree, so they divvy up decision-making so that each, according to their skills, “owns” 51% of certain decisions. If Mary is a banker and George is skilled at woodworking, then Mary may own a 51% stake in money questions and George may own 51% in how to fix the house decisions, and so on. The marriage averages out to be 50:50, but no single decision ends in a tie when one of them owns 51% of the vote. Of course, they discuss each issue openly and honestly, but there will be no ties in making the decision. Will it work for you? Give it an honest try and see.

Your day, your way!

If you go to a crafts store you will usually find small bags of polished stones available at very reasonable prices. They are relatively inexpensive, so purchase more stones than you think you will need.

Blessing Stones are the common name for stones you use at a wedding. Commonly, you hand a stone to each guest before the ceremony. Assign a helper to carry a basket of stones and give one to each guest. This is a nice way to have children participate. The officiant says at the top of the ceremony, “When you all arrived, I hope each of you received a stone. If you did not get one, please raise your hand and _____ will bring one to you. At the end of the ceremony, you are invited to throw your stone into the sea and bless this union you are about to witness.”

The child who helps is recognized, which feels good. When the ceremony ends and the newlyweds exit, they walk to the shore’s edge, everyone following, and guests throw the stones into the water all at once. Another cheer rings out. At one of my own ceremonies, a bridesmaid tried to throw her stone too hard; the projectile took off like a wild pitch and beaned the bride. For that and another reason, I prefer the following method.

Buy extra stones and separate ones that have a flat surface that you can write on with a fine point indelible ink pen, such as a Sharpie. Buy one Sharpie for each 5-8 guests. Hand the stones to the guests, give them a pen and tell them there is one pen for every 6 stones. Ask them to write their wish for the couple on their stone and pass the pen. The officiant reiterates the instructions at the top of the ceremony, adding that their stones with their wishes should be returned to the basket as they leave. The newlyweds keep the basket and can have fun for years reading all the good wishes for their married success that their guests wrote on their wedding day.

Your day, your way!